Christmas Comes But Once A Year
by happyday girl
Summary: A short little festive tale set in the early seasons, in which Cat learns what a bauble is, Lister develops a sore finger, Rimmer becomes uncharacteristically christmassy, and the boys from the dwarf have the age-old annual Christmas argument of whether or not Die Hard counts as a Christmas film...


'Left a bit...left a bit more...now down just a smidge...ah, there!' Rimmer instructed, a thoughtful finger on his chin as he squinted upwards at the task in from of him. 'Tack it, Listy!' He commanded, before watching as Lister pressed a drawing pin into the wall and pinned the large red line of tinsel into place.

Lister stepped down off the chair, massaging the tip of his finger as he walked back into the middle of the room to admire his handiwork.

The assortment of twinkling lights and haphazard placing of tinsel and baubles made his eyes hurt a little, but at least it was festive. He missed Christmas, the way the ship came alive with lights with exposed and frayed wires, paper chains made of old copying paper and baubles made of fizzing glass, the illegal crates of majorly alcoholic punch and the annual Christmas knees up. When Rimmer had ordered he get the Christmas gear from a cupboard he'd found on his morning jog, he jumped at the chance to decorate their sleeping quarters.

A few seconds passed before suddenly Rimmer huffed and threw his arms into the air. 'Its in the wrong place, Lister!'

'You told me to put it there!' The other man protested, sucking his forefinger, which had now gone numb after pressing more than thirty drawing pins into steel.

His arms were aching from reaching out to press tinsel and other decorations to the walls of their sleeping quarters and parts of the corridor outside. His feet hurt after stepping on and off chairs to put the damn decorations up. Now his head hurt from taking orders from what could only be described as Festive Hitler.

Rimmer, who to his knowledge never really bothered with Christmas, was now taking it upon himself to ensure the areas they frequented the most were decked out with holly, garlands, tinsel and all the other assorted decorations that went along with Christmas.

'Why Christmas?' Lister asked as he sat heavily onto a stool. 'Why?'

'What do you mean?' Rimmer replied, not taking his eyes off the room as he scoured it for imperfections. 'That left corner by the door needs something on it- it's bare.' He muttered, pointing. 'Maybe some holly or something...'

'Rimmer, you don't even like Christmas!' Lister pressed, frowning.

'I do like Christmas! I like the part after a long, boring day of celebration when everyone goes home- leaving you with the tin of sweets you hid in your sock drawer and the bottle of brandy you shoved in the washing machine before everyone arrived!'

'But...we never really did Christmas when you were alive- I had to beg you to let me put a couple of baubles along the wall!'

Rimmer rolled his eyes as he finally looked down at the younger man. 'You like Christmas- I am doing Christmas. What are you complaining about?'

'Why have you suddenly turned into Mr Grotto?' Lister asked, eyes now deeply furrowed in curiosity.

'Well, I...its...I'm just being nice, alright?'

'Nice?'

'Yes, nice!' Rimmer's voice seemed to go up a notch. 'I am capable, you know.'

'Rimmer...this is coming from the man who-instead of buying wrapping paper for my Christmas gift- decided to unwrap one of the officer's secret Santa presents and wrap it up with it!'

'I just don't agree with the way it seems to con decent, hardworking people out of their money!' At this, Lister rolled his eyes and reached across the table to his can of lager.

Any sort of of public holiday... Christmas, Easter, even May Day... Seemed to automatically make Rimmer moan about how much money it cost people.

He usually just drowned out the tirade of "shop keepers are rubbing their hands together as the dosh comes rolling in" And "people never use what's given to them anyway!" But it seemed like Rimmer was on a roll now. It was pointless to argue.

After a few minutes Rimmer seemed to calm down- he took a deep breath and looked about the room again.

'We need a tree.'

'A tree?!' Now Lister was sure he was hearing things. 'You want a tree now?'

'Are you completely deaf, you lazy goit?' Rimmer cried, shaking his head. 'A tree, yes! People normally have one, don't they?'

'Well, yeah...' Dave eyed up his dead bunkmate suspiciously. 'Who are you and what have you done with my Rimmer?'

'Ha ha, very funny! Come on, I thought you wanted a Christmas!' He motioned the lights and decorations, a smug smile forming on his features. 'Et voila...Christmas!'

'What? You've organised a Christmas... Just for me?' A childish grin spread on his own face. 'Get outta town, Rimmer!'

'Well I couldn't take hearing you moan once more about being the last man alive and not having a decent Christmas...' Rimmer explained, shrugging. 'It's not much, but the rest of the ship's Christmas supplies are in the sealed off areas.

'You've done all this outta the kindness of your heart?'

'Don't make such a big deal out of it!' Rimmer snapped, now rolling his eyes. ' I could easily get you to take them down again!'

'No chance!' Dave shook his head. 'This is staying up till July!'

Now it was Rimmer's turn to sigh- they both looked round as they heard someone coming down the corridor. 'Wowww!' Cat screeched as he stepped into the room, his eyes agog at the flashing lights and baubles hanging from bits of ribbon off the ceiling. 'This is great!' He stepped closer to one bauble in particular...it was large, red and covered in glitter.

Cat stared at it, entranced. 'I don't know why, but for some reason I just wanna...touch it-' he muttered, before slapping at it with his long fingers; it span away from him, making him jump slightly. A huge grin spread across his face- 'I'm gonna touch it again!' He cried, before batting it once more, chuckling.

'Shoo, you stupid moggy!' Rimmer muttered, tutting. 'Before you get hit with a rolled up newspaper!'

'Okay, Mr Bossy!' Cat huffed, before, as Rimmer turned away to find something else to moan at, slyly hitting the bauble one last time and flouncing from the room.

'I wonder where Kryten's got to?' Lister muttered, standing up and stretching.

'Crackers!' Rimmer suddenly yelled into the silence.

'...what?'

'Crackers, Listy!' Rimmer nodded, before looking around. 'We need crackers!'

'There's nothing left in the bag,' Lister replied, kicking the empty plastic bag into the middle of the room. 'And anyway, you can't pull them!'

'It doesn't matter, no Christmas is complete without crackers!' Rimmer muttered, shaking his head. 'Ahh, I remember one Christmas my brothers found a way to put large amounts of gunpowder into crackers... I took a shot through the shoulder, got covered in glitter AND to top it all off I got a terrible joke inside!'

'Oh, yeah?' Lister said, 'and what was the joke?'

Rimmer cleared his throat as he bent down close to Lister. 'What do you call a snowman in the summer?'

'Ummmm...dunno?'

A grin spread across Rimmer's face, making him seem almost boyish. 'A puddle!'

There was a few seconds of silence, in which the two men stared at each other- Rimmer's face was positively stretched out with glee at his joke. Lister's face was straight laced and deadpan.

'That's not funny,'

'It's hilarious!' Rimmer laughed, shaking his head at his bunkmate and striding back to the middle of the room.

'Yeah about as hilarious as tinsilitis..' Lister muttered as he watched his bunkmate look the room over again.

'Don't you mean tonsillitis?' Rimmer muttered, frowning.

'No,' Lister shook his head as he pushed a wonky drawing pin into the wall by his bunk. 'It's what you get if you eat Christmas decorations.' He deadpanned. He inwardly grinned as Rimmer desperately tried to keep the smile off his face.

'That's not a real condition.' The hologram settled for snapping, before sighing happily as he looked round again, arms wide. 'Finito- perfecto!' He proclaimed, kissing the tips of his fingers like an Italian.

'Yeah, looks great…' Lister agreed with a nod, a smile on his face. 'Holly- turn the lights down a bit so we can see the Christmas lights.'

'Ok Dave.' Holly's voice filled the room before the lights dimmed, sending multicoloured, twinkling lights across the room- both men looked around, eyes wide as if they had regressed to children.

'Not bad, eh, Rimmer?' Lister grinned.

'It'll do.' Rimmer nodded, mouth still upturned in a smile as he sat on the edge of his bunk.

'Now we just need presents and Christmas dinner!' Lister chuckled, popping open another can of lager.

'Steady on, me laddo!' Rimmer stood up, shaking his head. 'Lets not forget we are three million years into deep space! I'm pretty sure we're nowhere near a toys r us or a decent Argos!'

'Oh yeah..' Lister muttered, before shrugging. 'Don't matter- we can still have a damn good chrimbo without pressies and food, can't we?!' He nodded to himself as he swallowed down his lager.

'We can still watch those Christmas classics in the cinema- the thirty days of Christmas…The Radioactive Snowman….Its a Miserable Life….'

'Nah, its the original Die Hard for me!' Lister announced, chuckling.

'It's not even a Christmas film!' Rimmer cried, shaking his head.

'Yes it is!'

'No it isn't!'

'Course it is! It's set at Christmas, isn't it?'

'Where's Santa? Where are the elves?'

'Just because it's got no Santa or elves doesn't make it any less a Christmas film!'

Rimmer huffed and turned away, shaking his head. 'If you say so, Listy…'

'I do- I'm gonna go see if the vending machines will do turkey curry for dinner tonight!' Lister replied, before downing the rest of his lager and walking from the room, humming jingle bells as he went.

Rimmer looked round as he found himself alone in the swirling kaleidoscope of their sleeping quarters- sighing happily he allowed a contented smile to fill his face. 'Not bad…' he muttered to himself, before walking out the room to follow Lister down to the vending machines, a most unnatural Christmassy feeling filling his chest.

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed my little festive tale ^^**

 **Thanks for reading- please let me know what you think!**

 **I wish everyone a Merry Christmas :)**


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